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Area 26-Year-Old Somehow Still Convinced She’s Going to Get Really Hot Next Year


BOSTON, MASS.—Reports surfaced on Monday that Tara E. Weston, a local 26-year-old, is somehow still convinced that she is going to get really hot next year.

"I just have this sense that next year is going to be my year," said Weston—who said that last year, and the year before that, and the year before that—over boozy brunch with Megan L. Patterson, her token attractive friend. “I mean, I could totally be the Neville Longbottom of the muggle world, right?”

Area Theater Kid Sings Harmony to “Happy Birthday” Song, Receives Tony Award

girl holding karaoke mic

Last weekend, a local birthday celebration was graced by the impromptu vocal prowess of Katie McMichaels, who took it upon herself to sing the harmony line at the end of the “Happy Birthday” song. Mere moments after the song’s conclusion, the entire American Theatre Wing arrived to grant her a Tony Award for Best Original Score.

“We’ve never heard talent like this before. Like, ever,” said four-time Tony host Neil Patrick Harris.

Quirky Teen Fits Teeny-Tiny Personality into Teeny-Tiny Fjällräven Backpack


WALTHAM, MASSACHUSETTSOn Sunday, crowds watched in awe as local 19-year-old Rachel E. Saunders managed to fit her entire personality into an absurdly small, bright yellow Fjällräven backpack.

“That backpack is, like, a foot tall. I have no idea how someone could fit a few modestly sized books in there, much less an entire personality,” said Waltham resident Tony P. Bailey.

Area Woman Proud of the Scathing One-Liners She Prepared in Case She Runs into Ex

NEW YORK, NY – Local woman Lauren Summers, 26, is reportedly proud of her collection of “savage” one-liners that she has prepared should she ever run into her ex.

Even though Brian moved to Los Angeles last month and is likely never returning to New York, Summers has several biting comebacks stored up just in case she sees him unexpectedly. “I haven’t seen him since he dumped me last October,” she said. “But I just know that if I ever do see him, I’ll be able to say something really clever to stick it to him.” 

Area Schlub Sleeps His Way to the Top

New York, NY — Area schlub Matthew Oliver has slept his way to becoming his company's CEO, sources say.

Oliver reportedly fast tracked his way up the corporate ladder after purchasing a package of large frozen calzones from Costco. The giant, carbohydrate-loaded pockets of cheese, which he slightly undercooked and brought to work every day, induced an uncontrollable drowsiness that hit just before his mid-afternoon meetings. 

4 Flirty Emojis That’ll Make Him Say “Huh?” Because He Hasn’t Downloaded the New iOS Yet and It Showed Up as a Question Mark in a Box

So you’re texting a guy. You want to come off as flirty but also low-key but also fun. Which emoji should you throw in? These emojis are guaranteed to make him say “Wait I don’t get it” all night long—because he hasn’t downloaded the new iOS yet and your emoji showed up as a question mark in a box.

The mother cradling child emoji

1. The mother cradling her baby

Activist Win! This Woman Liked Pete Souza’s Photo on Instagram

PORTLAND, OR—In an act of #resistance that awed her friends and family, local hero Andrea Green liked Pete Souza’s photograph of former President Barack Obama on Instagram earlier this week.

Green reportedly gave the photo a quick double-tap after figuring out it was a biting criticism of President Donald Trump’s recent conduct. The photo showed Obama’s wide and friendly smile, which caused Green to make the astute point that Trump “doesn’t smile that much.”

Area Man Just Doing What He Loves

A man playing a guitar
SAN DIEGO, CA — Sources say area man Aidan May '20 is just doing what he loves. 
After spending an afternoon hanging out with his hometown friends, May reportedly laid in his bed for an hour practicing the guitar and listening to his favorite Michael Bublé album. Later, he drove to his local Sonic blasting Sara Bareilles' "King of Anything," feeling good about his classic vanilla milkshake and crispy chicken tenders.  

In Bold Move, Mom Calls You First on Her Birthday

A mother on the phone.
COLUMBUS, OH – In a move that is sending shock waves throughout your immediate family, Mom preemptively called you before you could call her on her birthday.
Although you intended to call to wish her a happy birthday after class ended at 3 pm– a seemingly reasonable time– reports indicate that your phone buzzed at 10:30 am, an hour before you had planned on waking up.

Precious Little Prince Wants Two Different Salsas on Burrito

BALTIMORE, MD--Numerous eyewitness accounts confirmed today that Joshua O'Mara, 27, who is apparently an ever-so-dignified man of the world with a palate refined beyond our wildest imaginations, ordered two different salsas on his burrito at Sonora Mexican Grill today.