and entering


Area Man Pretends He Did Not Intend To Pour That Much Syrup

Des Moines, IA– On a business trip from Green Bay, businessman Erik Benson feigned alarm when, for the second morning, he totally accidentally drowned his entire plate in maple syrup in line at the complimentary continental buffet.

“Holy moly, that came out really fast,” Benson warned no one in particular. Hurrying through the rest of the buffet, Benson proceeded to the company dining area, where he subtly adjusted his pant seam before sitting down.

Area Man Starting to Wonder If He's the Only One Who Prefers Masturbating in Private

BOSTON – Andrew Hoffman, a 32-year-old electrical engineer, is starting to wonder if he’s the only one who prefers masturbating in private.

In the wake of revelations that Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Brett Ratner all masturbated in front of nonconsenting women, Hoffman is feeling a bit worried that he totally missed the memo about how masturbation works.

“You know, I’ve always gotten off alone in my room watching porn,” said Hoffman. “Hell, I even lock the door when I jack off. Is that weird? Have I been doing it wrong for two decades?”

Area Pear Woman-Shaped

A pear in a skirt.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — After reading through the latest issue of InStyle magazine, a local pear has definitely determined that she is woman-shaped. After flipping through several pages detailing the styles and cuts that best flatter a woman-shaped body, the pear edited her wardrobe accordingly. 

Venomous Snakes Native to the New England Area That Aren’t Your Ex-Boyfriend Ryan

Now that the leaves have begun to change and it’s the perfect time for a hike, it’s important to review some safety measures. This is important so that if you run into a venomous snake that isn’t your ex Ryan back on Thanksgiving break, you can recognize it!

Four Emotional Voids that Scallion Pancakes Will Fill But He Won’t

Are you stuck in a soulless, poorly defined relationship? Wish you would stop having sex with guys you’re only 60% into just for the temporary feeling of completeness? Here are four emotional voids that scallion pancakes will fill but he won’t:


1) The "emotionally detached parent" void 

For Halloween, Girl to Dress Up as Slutty Disappointment to Her Parents

After a lackluster appearance as a slutty nurse last year, Rachel Myers ’19 has decided to dress up as a slutty disappointment to her parents this Halloween.

During a trip with her roommate to the Garment District—where Myers tried on slutty suffragette, slutty CEO, and slutty goldfish costumes—Myers realized that she should just cut to the chase and go as a slutty disappointment to her parents.

“Follow Your Passion” Says Person Whose Passion Was Definitely Not to Become a Guidance Counselor

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Local guidance counselor Robert Gray, age 43, has reportedly been giving students the advice that they should “follow their passion” when choosing a job. This advice comes despite the fact that Gray’s ideal job has nothing to do with finding summer positions for entitled 20 year olds who were born wealthier than him.

Heterosexual Male Finally Musters Courage To Use the Facebook Love React

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Despite having avoided the button since its inception out of fear of being seen as emotional, and therefore gay, area straight af dude Brock Stone reacted "Love" to a post on a content aggregator Facebook page earlier today.

Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest Theory Entirely Disproved By Karen

Karen Dworkin

DENVER, CO – Once widely-accepted by scientists, Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest has recently been disproved by area woman Karen Dworkin.

Karen, who once microwaved her own foot, has miraculously managed to survive for 20 years without dying off and getting replaced by stronger, genetically more fit organisms.  

Area Woman Forced at Gunpoint to Take “Obligatory” Selfie

Area woman Elisa Grant, 21, a student at Harvard College, was reportedly “traumatized” after being held up at gunpoint in a public bathroom and forced by her assailant to take an “obligatory bathroom selfie” in the mirror.