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FROM THE ARCHIVES: Important Information Regarding Ye Cholericke Humours

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

Give Me Your Muggle Money

By J.K. Rowling
Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.
Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.

Scathing Crimson Op-Ed Going to Finally Make the Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Late Thursday night Eloise Miller ‘18, a Crimson op-ed writer, put the finishing touches on what she described as “a real doozy.”

“This one is going to really be the one that makes a difference. It’s going to finally wake people up to the real issues on this campus,” Miller stated. “This might be the article that gets me a job at a real paper, like Upworthy or even Buzzfeed.”

How Dare You Appropriate A Tragedy For A Political Position That Is Not Mine?

I just want to ask you all: how dare you? I am shocked--SHOCKED, I say--to find that many of you are appropriating this tragedy for political gain that I don’t personally agree with. I have seen too many Facebook statuses, Twitter links, and poorly written Tumblr posts that deviate in some slight way from my own deeply held and strangely specific ideologies.

Why can’t you just all come together to understand that I’m right?

Holy Shit, What the Fuck is THAT?

By Paul Jacobson
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, what in God's name is that? What do you mean, What am I talking about? I'm talking about THAT. Right there, below my left elbow. Can't you see it? Yes, THAT.
Do you think it could be cancerous? Fuck, I just can't deal with that right now. What am I supposed to tell my wife? We just took out a mortgage, and we have another kid on the way. FUCK. I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.

Putting The Crimson’s Editorial Board On Notice

When I was a student at the Salisbury School, a private suburban school in South-Central-South-West-Northerly Ohio, I took a lot for granted. My school newspaper, in particular, is something I should have appreciated more.

Op-Ed: Dismantle Harvard Now


It's time to talk about dismantling Harvard. Its existence is premised on exclusivity, which is central to its role in the American social landscape. Being a Harvard student signifies fitting into an elite social circle that rejects subpar classmates. Only abolition of Harvard will show true commitment to inclusion and respect.