Dear Scholars of Harvard College,
We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.
An if ye have a surfeit of the pernicious yellow bile, jaw pain, ear ache, an inability to recite the 119th Psalm in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin, or the swelling of thine Devil’s Peaches, thou shalt refrain from public activities and contact Ye Health Services to be evaluated for signs of possession by damned and contemptible witches. If you are unsure whether you have kept away from all manner of black things, like sugar or talkative women, mayhap it is necessary that you contact your health care provider for an expurgation of blood or an additional ration of rum.
And surely, we remind you that prevention be based on moral cleanliness. Always averteth thine eyes when passing a maid, lest she look at you and thereby conceive a child. Wash all witches frequently by dropping them in Ye Charles River. And do not share eating utensils, for Satan delights in one spoon touching two men’s plates, if thou knowest what we mean.
Ye Health Services continue to monitor this situation closely, and additional information can be found at the town crier.
Paul J. Barreira, Doctor of Physicke
Henry K. Oliver Professor of Purging Damned Humours
