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Breaking

and entering

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Elmo Celebrates 21st Birthday

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How Are We Liking Our Meat?

Young - 15%

Black - 18%
Medium Rare - 11%
Endangered - 6%
Fresh off the cob - 21%
Done right - 13%
"Animal-style" - 16%

How to Protect Your Home From: BURGLARS

1. Make your home look occupied - hire a bunch of people to hang out in your house all day while you're at work. You can find these people for cheap on the streets.
2. Don't make your home inviting. Some burglars watch TV, eat, even nap while they work. Make sure to keep absolutely no sources of entertainment,
food, or beds in your home.

50,000th Member Joins 'Save Darfur' Facebook Group

In a shocking occurrence, the 50,000th member has joined the "Save Darfur" Facebook group, causing activists everywhere to rejoice that Darfur is now saved.
Aaron Pace, founder of one of the many Save Darfur Facebook groups, has repeatedly stated that if over 50,000 members should join, the militia leaders of the Janjaweed will cease violence in Sudan and stop the genocide.

BUY, BUY, BUY!

Satire V: Hey Jim, how are you today?
Cramer: Look the markets may be down, people are running for the exits, but I sense a turnaround is coming
real soon. There's always a bull market somewhere!
Satire V: But the Dow is down 400 points today and 40% from its highs"

Why I Voted

  • Wanted sticker
  • To fight the man
  • To enable the man
  • Enjoy bubble sheets
  • Thought it was "Road to the Whitehouse" midterm
  • Peer pressure
  • Paid by Teamsters

Why is the US dollar weak?

  • Pictured presidents aren't even presidents (specifically: Hamilton, Franklin)
  • Gold standard changed to pyrite standard
  • "Take a Penny Leave a Penny" is for commies
  • The Everything Sale at Macy's.
  • Depreciating Christian values
  • Fort Knox has walls made of delicious gummy bears
  • Homeland security's new "tourism=terrorism" policy
  • Actual disparities between spending and saving

Jesus' Last Supper More Like Last Buffet

After centuries of scholarly analysis, art historians have concluded that Jesus' last meal was "less a simple supper and more an all-you-can-eat, Vegas-style gluttony fest."

Says Giacomo Cassola, "I don't know why we never noticed this before, but there's very obviously a chocolate fondue fountain visible in the background. It looks delicious. And those strawberries are just... to die for. You can tell Jesus agreed by the look in his eyes."

Cooking Advice from the Gentlemen of Satire V

Buongiorno! A true gentleman is a master of the gastronomical arts. As a courtesy to the reader, the gentlemen of Satire V offer their advice for the aspiring culinary craftsman.

  • Use only the finest cutlery. Ginsu knives. Very, very sharp knives. The kind of knives sold on TV that can cut through a shoe. Stay up until 4am on a weekday night and purchase the shoe-cutting knives.

  • Always have a glass of merlot around. Sip it speculatively as you make cooking decisions.

Who Are We Tasing?

  • Black congressman

  • Opposing running back

  • Tom Green, he just came out of nowhere,
    officer

  • Grandpa

  • American Dream

  • That bitch Gertrude from the
    neighborhood rotary club

  • Those who deserve a good tasing

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