Julia Smith's 17^th birthday party was ruined last weekend due to her unfortunate taste in DJs.

"I was so excited," Smith sobbed, dabbing at tears. "I had thirty-seven confirmed guests on Facebook. Confirmed! Figure that and about half the maybes would have shown too, and this party could have been epic."

Before the party could really get started, Smith's DJ, MC Carwash, managed to drive away guests by constantly changing the music.

• Baby, Come Over - Samantha Mumba
• Are You Gonna Be My Girl? - JET
• Come On, Come On - Velvet Revolver
• (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
• I Touch Myself - Divinyls
• Cryin' - Aerosmith

Sally Vernon, a busty Central High School junior, wowed members of the school's football team last week with a rather underwhelming joke. Continuing a nationwide trend in which the hilarity of a joke is directly related to the attractiveness of the teller, the simple pun generated echoing guffaws when told by Ms. Vernon. "The guys were hanging out by their lockers, and I decided to give the joke a try" says Vernon, 17. "I mean, I just got it off the back of one of those candy wrappers." The reaction definitely surprised her. "I never thought I was that funny, I guess.

According to the email your aunt forwarded to you at 3:47 PM today, a little girl in Oregon needs a bone marrow transplant or something.

Alicia, or Alexia, or whatever, age 6 or 7, has been suffering from health problems her entire life and is in dire need of your help. You skimmed the story but assumed it was fake so that you wouldn't feel bad about not forwarding the email.

It's unclear how forwarding it would have really helped the young girl, but that still doesn't change the fact that you're a jackass.

From the remote island location of her latest photo shoot, Alessandra Lombardi took time from being rubbed down with the finest coconut oil to assure her fans and followers that she was in no way, shape, or form popular during high school.

"Are you kidding me? I was the biggest loser in school," she laughed, tossing back a mane of long, shiny hair. "Just try having a silky peaches-and-cream complexion when everyone else is suffering from cystic acne. You're the outcast."

In the discovery of the decade, Michael Fineman, some sort of scientist at UCLA, has released a press release stating that other weapons, besides shotguns are effective against zombies. Such weapons include atomic bombs, chlorine gas, AK-47's, and slingshots. Dr. Fineman however warns that only the latter will be effective in the zombie apocalypse that is likely to occur in coming decade.

1. Update your resume. We're sure you accomplished a lot in your latest stint in jail.
2. Try new things. Don't bother with the protocol for handling nuclear waste, just go for it.
3. Sexual harassment rules can be confusing. Test the boundaries to find out exactly what's okay.
4. Park in the handicapped spot. Those people could use the exercise anyway.
5. Don't forget to write thank you notes. It won't make the lawsuit go away, but it will give you a warm cozy feeling.
6. Used up all your sick days? Ever heard of bomb threats?

1. Sell ad space; replace Veritaffles with Geico-affles. They're about the same size, but have 15% less taste.
2. Don't just combine breakfast and lunch into brunch. Lunch + supper = lupper.
3. Take the crack out of Cracklin' Oat Bran.
4. Get rid of the brown rice, but set aside some white rice to drop in dirt before serving.
5. More squash. And then even more squash.

The world of flavored condoms was rocked yesterday as Trojan
released a secret flavor long in development.  The new ""penis flavored"" condoms
come at the head of extensive scientific research into men's nether regions.

Said the Trojan design team, ""Women nowadays want something raw and virile.
 Something potent.  Cherry and citrus-flavored condoms are too weak for adequate
arousal.  By contrast, the penis-flavored condom will usher in a new era of
sexual pleasure.  Society returns to its roots.""

In the 2008 Presidential election,
venders turned huge profits by exploiting the image and message of Barack Obama
on everything from T-shirts to It's Time for a Change Diapers.  This is nothing
new.  Fame and social action has been exploited for centuries: