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Cutting-edge Reporting

Report: Only 3% of Murderers Actually Use Phrase "Foul Play"

BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

Harvard Fencing Team Suffers Piercing Defeat

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a piercing defeat by Brown, the Harvard fencing team has been foiled once again in what has become a season a(bout) accepting defeat. Though the year started off with a decisive blow against Cornell, Harvard had no time to sabre the victory, quickly losing to Columbia, Duke, and Yale, making their aspirations for an Ivy Championship a feint hope. 

“We’re pretty piste off, honestly,” remarked team captain Kim Pale '17. “We took a good stab at it, but after all the work we put in we came out looking pretty lamé.”