BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a piercing defeat by Brown, the Harvard fencing team has been foiled once again in what has become a season a(bout) accepting defeat. Though the year started off with a decisive blow against Cornell, Harvard had no time to sabre the victory, quickly losing to Columbia, Duke, and Yale, making their aspirations for an Ivy Championship a feint hope. 

“We’re pretty piste off, honestly,” remarked team captain Kim Pale '17. “We took a good stab at it, but after all the work we put in we came out looking pretty lamé.”