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Report: Only 3% of Murderers Actually Use Phrase "Foul Play"

Wilson demonstrates the finer points of being "a conductor on the Murd-Orient Express."

BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

Wilson reported that most murderers use one of a few phrases. “Most people call it ‘murdering’, ‘killing’, or ‘the ol’ stabby-stab,'” Wilson recalls. “Also, ‘kill-a-rino,' ‘taking a trip to Deathsville,' ‘murder-murder-frankenfurter,' something like that. I suppose if you’re a murderer who likes to beat people to death with a baseball bat, you might use something like ‘foul play,' but you could also say ‘beating someone around the bush,' or ‘giving ‘em one in the strike zone.'"

Wilson alleged that the rise of the term ‘foul play’ was just one symptom of the recent change in the murder community. “You see a lot of murderers nowadays who watched one episode of Dexter and think they know a thing or two about ‘sending God an angel,'” Wilson opined, “but there was a time when ‘pulling the wool over someone’s mouth’ really meant something, you know?”

He also took time to talk to reporters about some other misconceptions people have about murder. “Do you see where that stain on my knife is?” Wilson asked a visibly sweating news correspondent. “That’s about as deep as you can push this sucker into someone’s chest cavity if you’re trying to ‘aerate their manscape.' And don’t let anyone tell you differently.” At this point, Wilson excused himself early as he had to “give a guy a pine overcoat."

© 2017