EARTH - Earlier this week, the entirety of the human species collectively cringed following an announcement from Grays freshman Sarah McKay, in which she revealed her plans to block with her boyfriend of two months, Chris Summers ‘22. “I just think Chris would make a great addition to our group,” she declared, hours before the blocking deadline.

Responses to Sarah’s decision have been coming in from around the globe. In an unprecedented move of unity, the governments of all 193 member states of the UN released a joint statement titled ‘Alright, Who’s Gonna Tell Her?’

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

Amidst new threats from Greece to “leave and never come back,” sources confirmed that everyone in the Eurozone now thoroughly regrets choosing to block with Greece back in freshman year.

“Back when she first started having money problems, I was sympathetic,” says member nation Belgium. “But it’s been years now, and it’s about damn time she got her life together.”

After forty years of half-hearted texts and occasional birthday get-togethers, Science Center E has finally admitted that linking with Science Centers A-D has not been as good as he had originally hoped.

“I’m so happy that we’re only a staircase away from each other and all,” said E, “but it just feels like I never see them anymore.”

B was not surprised. “I knew that this would happen from the beginning. C was always the closest to him, but ever since she got Science and Cooking, she’s been pretty preoccupied. I guess the rest of us just kind of forgot about E.”