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Entire Human Race Winces as Sarah Decides to Block with Boyfriend

Next semester, they'll definitely be this happy when they're living in silent animosity in the same suite.

EARTH - Earlier this week, the entirety of the human species collectively cringed following an announcement from Grays freshman Sarah McKay, in which she revealed her plans to block with her boyfriend of two months, Chris Summers ‘22. “I just think Chris would make a great addition to our group,” she declared, hours before the blocking deadline.

Responses to Sarah’s decision have been coming in from around the globe. In an unprecedented move of unity, the governments of all 193 member states of the UN released a joint statement titled ‘Alright, Who’s Gonna Tell Her?’

The resolution was spearheaded by Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai of Zimbabwe, who explained, “This is definitely a ‘yikes’ situation, and I really can't think of a better cause for us to rally behind.”

Per the resolution's instructions, every member of the human race then engaged in an enormous game of nose-goes to decide which poor bastard would be tasked with knocking some damn sense into this girl.

“You better believe I slapped my nose ASAP,” said Brazilian teacher Beatriz Sousa. “Let me know how that conversation goes.”

“Five bucks they break up by May,” added Australian goat-herder Bob Mayer, finger still fixed to his face.

Coincidentally, the loser of the global competition was Sarah’s other potential blockmate Julia Stevens ’22, who was napping in Lamont during the UN’s initial press release. She weighed in later that afternoon: “Godammit, I wasn't ready! Can't we do a do-over?”

Of course, as we all know, do-overs are strictly prohibited by the resolution's ‘No-Backsies’ clause.

At press time, Julia had been removed from the blocking group. In a released statement, Sarah explained, “Julia and I just didn't see eye-to-eye on certain things, and have decided to go our separate ways.” Sources close to Mckay have informed us that Julia had been replaced by Chris’s lacrosse teammates, all also named Chris.


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