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Inspiring! Harvard Bans Coffeemakers so This Student Eats Coffee Beans

coffee beans
A little snack you can't get in trouble for!
Harvard does not allow coffeemakers in the dorms, but that doesn't stop Ryan R. Jacobson '21 from caffeinating! When Jacobson needs his daily boost of energy, he grabs a handful of perfectly roasted coffee beans and pops them in his mouth for a crunchy pick-me-up. What an inspiration! 
 
"I don't really like to break the rules," said Jacobson, the moral pillar of this university. "So when the student handbook said we couldn't have any cooking appliances, I ran to the store and bought myself a jar of Folgers coffee beans. Just straight-up coffee beans." 
 
Jacobson's life-hack comes in handy during room inspections. "All my friends have to cover all their illegal equipment with sheets, but I get to relax and feel nauseous all at once because, on the one hand, I have nothing to hide, but on the other, this shit is disgusting." Brilliant!
 
Jacobson prides himself on saving calories by consuming his beans solid. "Did you know eating coffee beans is fewer calories than your Grande Iced Sugar-Free Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk?" Jacobson asked his roommate, Ben, who had headphones in and was playing Fortnite. "I bet you didn't. So while you spend hours at the gym trying to maintain your physique, I can get my schoolwork done, knowing I saved calories while following the rules!" A true fitness guru!
 
At press time, Jacobson was breathing on his burrito to warm it up because the University does not allow microwaves. 
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