SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Area Student Still Doesn't Know Floormate’s Name But “Shit It's Too Late to Ask Now”

Darn, if only I had asked a month ago.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After three months of living within twenty feet of him, Ryan Brown ‘21 still does not know the name of that student who lives across the hall. “Well shit, I can’t just ask him at this point,” he said, realizing the semester is rapidly coming to an end.

“Spencer? Steve? Or wait...no, maybe it’s Sam?” Brown scrunched his face in concentration while cycling through a list of generic names that sounded vaguely familiar. “I knew it at some point, I swear.” Brown recounted the endless ice breakers and name activities of opening days, only to draw a complete blank on the student across the hall. “It’s just, like, it’s so many names to remember,” Brown said, referring to the eight other people living on the second floor of Canaday C.

Instead of making an effort to remember the name of that “one guy in room 25,” Brown has awkwardly avoided referring to him by name with titles such as “homie,” “dawg,” and “bro” during hallway encounters. Brown is often seen greeting the student in question with a “what’s up, man” or a “hey, you,” sometimes supplementing the charade with a nod of the head or a two finger salute.

At press time, the unidentified student was trying, really trying, to remember what the hell Brown's name was as he nodded in Brown's direction.

© 2017
Category: