WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference on Tuesday, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced his most groundbreaking finding to date. Over the past four years, Vladimir Putin has transferred billions of dollars to President Donald Trump. But in a shocking turn of events, all of the illicit payments are public on Venmo.

While perusing its archives, Satire V found the following article in a 1960 edition of the Soviet newspaper Pravda.

On February 27, 1960, children in a Leningrad playground were shocked and horrified when their playmate, Boris Nazarov, disappeared in the middle of the jungle gym.

“One minute he was sliding down the communal slide, and the next minute a grown-up came between us and carried him away,” said his playmate, Anna Dimitriyev, sobbing into her babushka.

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.