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Mueller Announces that Putin-Trump Payments Have Been Public on Venmo this Whole Time

Mueller is hot on the trail

WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference on Tuesday, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced his most groundbreaking finding to date. Over the past four years, Vladimir Putin has transferred billions of dollars to President Donald Trump. But in a shocking turn of events, all of the illicit payments are public on Venmo.

The special counsel discovered the payments at a local Arby’s, where he was splitting a Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich with Nancy Pelosi. To avoid a laborious physical exchange of three whole dollar bills, Mueller reimbursed Pelosi using Venmo. It was then that he saw “Vlad paid Donald” appear in his feed.

Investigators at the Justice Department followed the lead by carefully typing “Donald Trump” into Venmo’s search feature. This sophisticated reconnaissance revealed hundreds of transfers between the two leaders — many of them accompanied by emoji-laden messages.

Some of the payments were clearly political, with messages like “miss me with that sanction shit” and “thx 4 Helsinki lol.” Others had a more intimate tone. One message reading, “down 2 annex and chill?” left investigators wondering whether the two were more than just co-conspirators.

Further analysis revealed that most of Putin’s payments were actually just funding for Trump to order fast food at 2 a.m. “At least half of the payments are coupled with what seems to be a pepperoni pizza pictograph,” reported a DOJ official.

“It appears that free pizza can be used to buy favors from the leader of the free world,” said a Georgetown University political scientist. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Papa John’s franchise to open.”

In response to the scandal, President Trump tweeted, “Why isn’t the media looking for Hillary’s 30,000 deleted Venmos?”

At press time, Trump’s approval rating among Republicans was pretty much unchanged.

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