Opinion

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Fighting the Good Fight

By a Harvard Social Justice Warrior

I'm like every Harvard student: I keep my head down, do my studies, make self-aware jokes about "grabbing meals," and do my part to save the world. It's all so exhausting. Believe me, at the end of my grind as someone whose job is to concentrate in something, I would like nothing more than to watch a Greta Gerwig movie and be blissfully ignorant of the world’s problems. But sorry, world! My broke college ass can’t afford to let this shit slide!

Tags:

social justice

Woke

red line

Boston Latin

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE FLU! THE MUMPS! H1N1! H2N2! THE DISAPPEARANCE OF BEES AT AN ALARMING RATE! OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHH!

Everywhere you look. Everyone you know. So many public places, with people, who are SICK, with the MUMPS, and the FLU, AND YOU WILL ALL GET INFECTED. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET INFECTED!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Barker Café Is The Worst And This Is The Hill I Will Die On

By Jess Sarkisian

Tags:

Barker

hipsters

the worst

The Hill I Will Die On

Hey Guys, What About Me? Just a Thought!

To the Harvard Presidential Search Committee:

Hey guys! What’s up? How’ve you been? Well, I hope!

We’ve been whittling down possible picks for the prez 29.0, and I think we have some great candidates! But— and this might sound crazy— hear me out: maybe we should consider… me? Just a thought!

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Point/Counterpoint: Sasuke Uchiha Is the Greatest Anime Character of All Time vs. Sasuke Uchiha Is a Waste of Fucking Space

Sasuke Uchiha is the greatest anime character of all time
by 14 year-old you

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Point-Counterpoint

anime

Naruto

ah the follies of youth

My Biggest Fear Is Mice and Also Liking Something from 2009 on My Crush’s Facebook Page

A woman sitting in front of a computer covers her face with her hands. She looks embarrassed.

Mice are God’s punishment for every lustful, greedy, messed-up thing that humans have ever done. I hate their beady eyes, their dirty whiskers, their disease-ridden fur, their incessant squeaks, and their residency in my vent in Kirkland.

But I would happily—gladly—invite an entire family of Stuart Littles to build a home in the floorboards of my dorm room if it meant that I would never accidentally like another post from 2009 on my crush’s Facebook page ever again.

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tbh i think you're really cool and we should talk more

I Won’t Settle for Anything Less Than a Tall, Fit 25-Year-Old Who Tastes Like Heinz Dijon Mustard

Some people can abandon their ideals in favor of what’s available here and now. These people are willing to take any man who is “good enough.” I say there’s no such thing as “good enough”—either he’s The One or he’s nobody. That’s why I’m waiting for the perfect man—a 6-foot-tall, athletically built 25-year-old who tastes like Heinz Dijon Mustard.

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Heinz Dijon Mustard

Condiments

Dream man

Am I...Real?

Lately, I have been hearing some troubling rumblings from the children. Little Timmy in Topeka told the rest of his second grade class that I am not "real." Isn't that hilarious? Mrs. Claus would be very disappointed to find out that I am not real!

I am definitely real, Timmy. I am merely an aged, rotund man, who lives in secrecy in an inhospitable locale and delivers toys to children...all around the world...in one single night...from a sleigh pulled by flying forest creatures.... Hmm. Now that you mention it, that does seem highly improbable.

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Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

RE: Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

Hi Professor Chen,

Thank you so much for your feedback on my grad school essays! I’m really sorry for the late response—I literally died.

I’ve been meaning to get you my final paper, but I just wanted to let you know that Hell has a pretty strong firewall and I haven’t had access to Google Docs. I might be able to use my Harvard VPN from the literal grave, though. I’ll let you know!

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death

dead

Literally dead

Emailing professors is awkward

All I Want Is a Nice Shrewish Boy

A mouse with a menorah and the Torah floating in the background.

By a mouse

My parents keep telling me that I need to find a nice shrewish boy, but trapping the right shrewish boy is way easier said than done.

My mom says that generations of women in this family have devoted ourselves to the taming of the shrew. I secretly dated a hamster once—I couldn’t keep my paws off of him—but my brother ratted me out to my dad.

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Judaism

Mouse

Dating