Look, I really love orbiting the Earth. It’s a beautiful planet (well, was much better before you people started screwing with it). But all that aside — could we talk about this ‘gaze up at me in the night sky’ business? I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

BOSTON, MASS. — Reports surfaced on Thursday that—even though humankind has advanced to such a remarkable degree that people can go to the literal fucking moon—area man Billy P. Paulson still resets his password every time he has to get into a goddamn website.