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They Can Put a Man on the Moon, but Area Man Still Resets His Password Every Time He Has to Get into a Goddamn Website

man at computer
Paulson contemplates potential passwords and the immense vastness of the solar system.

BOSTON, MASS. — Reports surfaced on Thursday that—even though humankind has advanced to such a remarkable degree that people can go to the literal fucking moon—area man Billy P. Paulson still resets his password every time he has to get into a goddamn website.

The same civilization that produced Apollo 11—which safely transported three men across the 477,710 miles from the earth to the moon and back—also created Paulson. Whenever Paulson needs to get into a password-protected website, he guesses a couple passwords, gives up and clicks "Forgot My Password," waits for an email with a link to reset his password, creates a new password that he will surely forget the next time that he needs to access the website, and finally logs in.

Paulson's sister has repeatedly suggested that he just keep a list of his passwords in Microsoft Word, but Paulson always replies that such a measure would be too time-consuming—despite the fact that the prospect of spending eight days, three hours, 18 minutes, and 35 seconds in the dark, desolate void of goddamn space did not deter anybody in 1969.

Indeed, Paulson would rather change his Skype password almost daily than just pull out a pen and paper and write it down. The good folks at NASA, meanwhile, engineered food that humans can digest in zero gravity, which is pretty fucking insane when you think about that time Paulson tried to swallow upside-down and accidentally spit on his own face.

Paulson, who thinks that the moon landing was a hoax because of something to do with wind, routinely gets locked out of websites that ask him simple security questions like his mother's maiden name or his favorite food. According to Paulson, "It was chicken nuggets when I was a kid, but maybe I went with beer, my current favorite food. Or maybe I said it was lettuce because I like to fuck with the websites sometimes. I have absolutely no idea."

At press time, Paulson—inexplicably a member of the same species that boasts Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins—was failing to get into his Twitter account after he could not make out the text in the reCAPTCHA test.

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