and entering


HUPD Crime Log: March 2017

While you were away on spring break, HUPD was busy keeping Harvard safe. Here are some calls that came across the HUPD wire:
Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.
Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.

HUPD Embraces Cuffing Season

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Winter is here and cuffing season is upon us. Local police officers are welcoming their favorite time of year with open arms and cuffs at the ready, looking forward to trying new techniques including the fluff and cuff, the cuff and run, and the always enigmatic “Shia LaCuff.”

Freshman Totally Misunderstands HUPD Escort Service

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Things went awry in Greenough 208 last Friday, when a freshman, prompted by the newly instituted HUPD Escort Service, mistakenly extended the duties of a HUPD officer to include those of a gigolo. 

Tired from the Friday night Freshman Wander, Michael Rajcock ’19 decided to resort to an alternative source of entertainment. Thoroughly prepared after a series of purchases from CVS, he made the phone call. Unsuspecting HUPD officer Bill Joe, answered, but was nowhere near as ready. 

HUPD: "Holy Christ - You Guys Are On Your Own."

As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids.  God save your souls.” 

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.


Freshman Found after Month-Long Search


In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.