and entering

Freshman Found after Month-Long Search

Woodson never made it to Pinocchio's, but is thankful to have been found.


In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.

“I was just going out to get lunch at Pinocchio’s Pizza when I found myself in an environment completely unfamiliar to me,” Woodson told the Associated Press shortly after his rescue, “The only explanation I can come up with was that I had somehow been transported to some alternate universe in which Harvard did not exist. I could identify that I was still in Cambridge, but where I expected the buildings of Harvard there were only grass and trees. A strange world, indeed.”

“The search for the student was a unique case,” a HUPD statement said, “as the student in question was located off-campus. The protocol for such a situation is quite complicated. The city of Cambridge’s police force was still pissed at us for the last time we had them looking for a drunk kid, so we just said “fuck it” and let it slide for the night. Then we kind of forgot about him.”

While many expressed amazement at Woodson’s capability to survive in such an unfamiliar environment, some were less enthusiastic about his return. Notable among responses has been that of the student’s roommate.

“I had a glorious, quiet single for a month, and now he’s... back,” the roommate said in an interview, wistfully staring out his second-floor window.

© 2012