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A Generic Statement about Sexual Assault

Ben Affleck

By a Powerful Male Celebrity

I must start off this statement by mentioning that I am sad and angry. Everyone is sad and angry, but not as sad and angry as me, a powerful man who has never had to worry about jeopardizing his career by resisting the advances of a powerful sexual predator. I felt absolutely sick when I read the allegations this morning. My head was spinning, and I even vomited in the sink a little. Then I remembered that I forgot to take my daily Excedrin, and everything was better — just not for the dozens of women whose lives have been permanently ruined.

Brad Pitt Loses 'R' in Brangelina Divorce Settlement

LOS FELIZ, CA--As part of his ongoing divorce settlement, Brad Pitt, one half of the beloved Hollywood Natalie-Portmanteau "Brangelina," has reportedly lost the rights to the 'r' in his first name.

While the legal settlements are not yet concluded, Pitt seems to have already conceded defeat, saying, "I used to have some of the best name recognition in the industry. Who's going to work with Bad Pitt? Nobody, that's who!"

Things Leonardo DiCaprio Hasn't Won

With last night's win for his performance in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally taken home an Academy Award for Best Actor after four nominations. However, there are still plenty of things that Leo hasn't won, and we at Satire V have now compiled the definitive list: