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Study Shows Most Effective Way to Reach God is Through Instagram Bio


THE INTERNET — A comprehensive study by the Pew Research Institute reported Tuesday that the most effective way to communicate with God is by adding a psalm verse to the end of an Instagram bio.

The report investigated several modes of religious communication, including traditional praying, saying the Lord's name in vain, and staring forlornly at the sky. But Tim E. Harris, the lead analyst, stated the study found that only religious shout-outs on Instagram were directly linked to positive outcomes.

Quirky White Man Interested in Japanese Culture

Wes Anderson
A PLEASING SYMMETRICAL LANDSCAPE, USA — Sources report that another quirky white man is interested in Japanese culture. Wes Anderson, a 48-year-old American director, expressed his fascination with Japan by setting his new stop motion movie, Isle of Dogs, in the country.
The film features a 12-year-old Japanese child and his dog, Spots, whose name is Japanese for "lol, these white people." The two characters are joined by a cast of dogs who also have traditional Japanese names: Rex, King, Duke, Boss, and Chief.

An Oral History of “The Office” But We Could Only Get Ahold of the Guy Who Played Roy

roy from the office

The Office was a once-in-a-generation American sitcom that aired from 2005 to 2013. Based on the British sitcom of the same name created by Ricky Gervais—the hairier Bill Maher—the American version was created by some Harvard Lampoon nerd named Greg. We tried to get everyone involved in this instant classic to talk about how it all came together, but we could only get ahold of the guy who played Roy, a film and television actor named David Denman.

Feminist Win: We Wanted to Show These Men What Period Cramps Feel Like, But We Couldn’t Figure Out How, So Instead We Broke Their Kneecaps and Called It Even

Woman with two thumbs up
Ladies, it’s no secret that period cramps suck. No matter how woke your boyfriend may seem, he will never truly understand the pain that we women have to face every single month. 

That is, until now! (Depending on how you define and equate pain!)

You heard right! We put our heads together, batted around some ideas, and showed a few men more or less what period cramps feel like by breaking their kneecaps with a crowbar. Feminist win!

Where Are They Now? (My Keys)

Woman Looking for Keys
Have you been wondering just where your keys ended up since you last saw them? Are they wildly more attractive than the last time you saw them? Did they get a lot rustier? Have they done, like, anything in the meantime?
My keys have been absent from my life for the past six hours. I've been unable to leave my home. Where are they now?
1. The bedside table? 
Nope, not there.

2. The kitchen? 
I did have them when I grabbed a drink from the fridge...but they’re not there. 

3. The car? 

Who Said It: Lil Pump or a Gas Station Pump?

A picture of the musician Lil Pump and a gas pump

Lil Pump, born Gazzy Garcia, is the voice of our generation. A gas station pump is a machine at a filling station that is used to pump gasoline, petrol, diesel, or other types of fuel into vehicles. Take this quiz and figure out who said each!

Researchers Find Best Time to Post a Profile Picture Is Never Because You Are Ugly


After two years of social media statistical analysis, scientists at the General Research Organization for Social Science (GROSS) have determined that the most effective time to post a profile picture on Facebook is never because you are ugly.  

Alright, Nerds: Take This Harry Potter Quiz Full of Nonsense Fairy Words and Shut Up

The Hogwarts Coat of Arms
Listen up, geeks. We know you grown-ass doofuses love Harry Potter, so we threw together this personality quiz full of gibberish. Take it and shut up.
1) What's your favorite Hogwarts house? (People really have favorites, don't they?)
A) Babadook
B) Gobbledegook
C) Snufflestuff
D) Who gives a shit?

Uh Oh 'Shape of Water' Fans: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Just Reminded Everyone that Water Actually Takes the Shape of its Container

Side-by-side: The Shape of Water poster and a photo of Neil DeGrasse Tyson
It looks like fans of the surprise Academy Award favorite The Shape of Water have been put in their place! Famous scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson just reminded everyone that, like all liquids, water can only take the shape of its container.
Uh oh. What do you say to that, Oscar-nominated director of The Shape of Water Guillermo Del Toro?

Urban Outfitters Debuts “Emotionally Distant Father Jeans”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Citing the popularity of "mom jeans" and "boyfriend jeans," clothing stores around the country will soon begin selling "emotionally distant father jeans." The new style is one of several available for women who can't seem to wear their own fucking denim.

Previewed at select Urban Outfitters locations this month, the "emotionally distant father" jeans are stiff and utilitarian, with a raw underside. Their tough exterior is supposedly immune to stains, bad weather, and pleas to come to your middle school piano recital because they “didn't attend last year.”