CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move that shocked everyone including himself, after almost four months of inactivity, Harrison Ross '19 was spotted entering a club meeting for the Harvard College Young Leaders in Financial Consulting in Business yesterday at approximately 8:06 pm. Ross’s homecoming was met by a few scattered cheers, many strained faces attempting to show warmth, and one unintelligible scream from the back of the room.

GREENOUGH - Without a single thing going on in his life that could possibly require his attendance, total fucking loser Troy Pollan has indicated that he is available for every possible time on the doodle poll he has filled out.

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.