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Breaking

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airport

Muslim Man Proceeds Normally Through Airport

BOSTON, MA--Bystanders watched in stunned silence yesterday as Cambridge resident and practicing Muslim Jaleel Abassi proceeded normally through Logan Airport.

Abassi reportedly arrived in a taxi at 7:30 a.m. just outside of terminal D, holding a grande iced coffee from Starbucks in his right hand. He then retrieved his inexplicably average-sized suitcase from the cab and incomprehensibly proceeded like a normal person through the automatic doors towards security.

Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.