and entering

Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.

In a press conference last night, Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert C. Haas stated, “This represents a great triumph for the police department. We knew we had a problem and took the measures necessary to stop this problem.“ Haas was reportedly stopped at the security check for possession of a handgun and was told that he would have to leave it outside before entering.

Hundreds of people have been parading around the park this past week, celebrating the dearth of knife-related incidents. A sign has been erected stating the number of days since the last stabbing, which as of press time, was at 12.

However, it was not rosy for all people wishing to join in on the celebration. Many complained about the long waiting times, and Cambridge resident Jonathan Fitzpatrick noted, “They definitely patted my crotch a few too many times.”

Harvard Junior and Eliot House Resident Sarah Cottler said, “I now feel completely comfortable walking around the park at any time, day or night. I just need to remember to bring my liquids in a sealed plastic bag next time.“



Update: A 28-year-old male has been bludgeoned to death near the park. When pressed for comment, Commissioner Haas replied, “Well, at least nobody got stabbed.”

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