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SeaWorld Ends Captive Human Breeding Program

SAN DIEGO – After fourteen years of rearing their trainers in captivity, SeaWorld announced that they will no longer facilitate the spawning of any humans for their amusement parks. This decision has been long awaited by many human rights activists, who have criticized SeaWorld for their unethical treatment of human trainers.

Newly Unemployed Shamu Alleged Whale-Fare Queen

San Diego, CA—Following SeaWorld’s announcement that it is ending its killer whale shows, grandiose rumors surround the show's former star. Shamu, now known in the sea animal community as a whale-fare queen, has reportedly already spent much of her first unemployment check on swanky living quarters.

“Her new place in the Pacific is so huge, it makes my tank here look like a kiddie pool,” commented an anonymous dolphin friend of Shamu. “And thanks to those food stamps, her fridge is completely packed with organic free-range salmon!”