The big day is finally here. Poland, who could hardly sleep last night from excitement, woke up early this morning, made itself its own breakfast of Cheerios (though adding banana proved too complicated) and was dressed and ready well before the bus was set to arrive. The occasion? The first stages of a Crimean conflict of course.

“This time I’m going to make the EU so proud of me,” boasted a gleaming Poland as it double-knotted its shoes and made sure to put on extra sunscreen. “It’s my time to shine.”