The big day is finally here. Poland, who could hardly sleep last night from excitement, woke up early this morning, made itself its own breakfast of Cheerios (though adding banana proved too complicated) and was dressed and ready well before the bus was set to arrive. The occasion? The first stages of a Crimean conflict of course.

“This time I’m going to make the EU so proud of me,” boasted a gleaming Poland as it double-knotted its shoes and made sure to put on extra sunscreen. “It’s my time to shine.”

Poland has been so eager to prove itself since the foundation of the Third Polish Republic in 1989 and the whole family will be in the stands rooting it on. After stumbling through the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, being guided along by Austria, Germany, Russia, NATO, and others (it takes a village after all), Poland has been feeling particularly confident about its ability to deal with Ukraine. Rumors say that Uncle Sardinia may even stop by, a country who left the Crimea for the Mediterranean many years ago to live with its “roommate” Sicily.

NATO is glad that Poland is so excited to play in the action, but still plans to take precautions to ensure Poland doesn’t hide in the Baltic Sea like last time, crying and only coming out after being enticed with a Snickers bar. NATO has talked with the UN ahead of time, and Poland will be allowed to use a tee if it can’t hit the ball otherwise.

“I wanna be a real professional country when I grow up. With an army and everything,” said an excited Poland before attempting to do a cartwheel but really just kind of rolling around. “Did you see, did you see!”

Poland will, of course, be given a participatory medal regardless of outcome. The real winner, however, is the country that has the most fun and we can see who that is likely to be this Spring.