Yesterday, as I often do, I Tweeted one of my tremendous ideas. And I have noticed that many in the liberal FAKE NEWS media are misconstruing my Tweet as something I never intended. The FAKE NEWS media tries to undermine my true messages every single day, so I've decided to undercut them and talk to you directly.

I would like to clear this up once and for all: when I Tweeted that Americans were desperate for "EASY D," I was talking about penises. 

Thursday, Harvard sophomore Sarah Schultz, taking advantage of the recently confirmed FERPA (the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act), which grants enrolled students the right to request admissions records, received her marked college essay and Harvard application and was intrigued to find them just covered in drawings of dicks.