and entering

Returned Admissions Records Just Covered in Penises

Dick move, admissions.

Thursday, Harvard sophomore Sarah Schultz, taking advantage of the recently confirmed FERPA (the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act), which grants enrolled students the right to request admissions records, received her marked college essay and Harvard application and was intrigued to find them just covered in drawings of dicks. 

The right to review various kinds of admissions information upon request has been available to students since FERPA went into effect in 1974, but the act’s popular revival this January has sparked intrigue among students about what admissions officers write about applying candidates. For Schultz, among others, the answer was sketches of swelling manhood.

“I think a lot of people expect to find snide comments when they get their apps back,” said admissions officer Louis McPherson, elaborating on earlier statements about what students can expect from their marked-up documents. “But most of the time, the administration just gets bored and starts drawing dicks. You might be surprised to find that someone has drawn, like, five penises on your essay, some big, some small, some blowing a load right on your opening sentence.”

Sure enough, students of all backgrounds have discovered unique arrays of phallic images on their applications. Jose Martinez ’18, found that “Someone had drawn an octopus on my essay that took up the entire right margin, and whose every leg was a veiny, throbbing penis. I had no idea admissions officers had that kind of creativity.”

At press time, several students have reported admissions covered in other drawings, such as butts, giant page-swallowing vulvae, or a winged ten-legged Drew Faust riding her horned tiger steed into the heavens.

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