CAMBRIDGE, MA - Basking in a love more profound than he had previously thought possible, area man Dennis Gilmore has reportedly never been more content than when peeing next to his dog, Doug. Sources say that Doug can regularly be spotted urinating on various lawns and shrubbery with Gilmore doing the same by his side.

“Doug and I are so on the same wavelength,” Gilmore said. “We do everything together - including taking care of our basic needs.”

Ted McCullough, 87, of West Roxbury, has reportedly once again taken up his yearly habit of scowling and muttering under his breath at any cashier, waitress, or government employee who wishes him a secular “Happy Holidays.” The octogenarian, who attended five am Mass this morning, allegedly misses a time when “Christmas was Christmas, dammit,” and claims he did not “play tiddly-winks with Jerry in the Bulge for this.”