and entering

Old Man Pointedly Responds “Merry CHRISTMAS” When Wished “Happy Holidays”

Area CVS branches are looking forward to increased sales of off-brand hard candies.

Ted McCullough, 87, of West Roxbury, has reportedly once again taken up his yearly habit of scowling and muttering under his breath at any cashier, waitress, or government employee who wishes him a secular “Happy Holidays.” The octogenarian, who attended five am Mass this morning, allegedly misses a time when “Christmas was Christmas, dammit,” and claims he did not “play tiddly-winks with Jerry in the Bulge for this.”

            According to eyewitnesses, the annual festivities began on the morning of Wednesday, December 1st, as McCullough sat at the counter of the local Rox Diner, eating his usual breakfast of coffee and a single piece of wheat toast consumed over three hours. Fellow restaurant patrons told reporters that the man in question looked up from his fifth newspaper, with an expression of disgust, as the diner radio transitioned from Burl Ives’ “Holly Jolly Christmas” to Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song.” 

            “And from there, it was off to the slow and shaky races,” said Shannon Carvalho, who seated McCullough earlier that morning. “He slapped down his two dollars in Indian Head pennies and walked out the door, mumbling something about ‘this damn Kwanzaa nonsense.’”

            Since that time, McCullough has continued his traditional practice of being baffled by ABC’s “Shrek the Halls” holiday special and nodding affirmatively at any window displays featuring Santa Claus and/or depictions of The Nativity. Based on his behavior in previous years, meteorologists predict that the aging man will continue under conditions of moderate to severe grouchiness through early January, at which point McCullough will enter a period of relative calm before becoming incensed once again, either by mention of “Black History Month” or upon encountering Denny’s new Spanish-friendly menus.

             McCullough was last seen shaking his cane at a five foot tall purple menorah set up on the Boston Common.

© 2013