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Democrats Unveil Ambitious Plan Not to Get Completely Crushed During Midterms, Please

Tom Perez and Nancy Pelosi

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an ambitious move that many respected political analysts are calling “unlikely to work” and “kind of embarrassing,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled a bold proposal to somehow possibly maybe win a little bit in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections. 

DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters that the Democratic Party is hoping “for some kind of victory, really, anything, we’ll take anything.” He then collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of tears, a move that was pretty uncomfortable to witness from a 57-year old adult in a position of power.

Scientists Finally Determine Amount of Racism White Liberals Will Tolerate

PASADENA, CA - A team of scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced today that, after years of research, they have finally determined the amount of racism that white liberals are willing to tolerate.
 
"This has been a long and arduous project, and we're glad it has reached a satisfying conclusion," said Dr. Hannah Underwood, the project's head researcher. "Some things were obvious. Slavery, the Klan—white liberals obviously find those repulsive."