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Democrats Unveil Ambitious Plan Not to Get Completely Crushed During Midterms, Please

Tom Perez and Nancy Pelosi
Democrats are hopeful that they won't get completely crushed.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an ambitious move that many respected political analysts are calling “unlikely to work” and “kind of embarrassing,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled a bold proposal to somehow possibly maybe win a little bit in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections. 

DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters that the Democratic Party is hoping “for some kind of victory, really, anything, we’ll take anything.” He then collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of tears, a move that was pretty uncomfortable to witness from a 57-year old adult in a position of power.

“It’s just . . . we could really use a win, you know?” chimed in Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, before adding, “Sorry, I don’t mean to be annoying.”

Democrats are hoping to take back Congress following very public, humiliating, and probably-could-have-been-avoided-if-they’d-gotten-their-act-together setbacks in the form of Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court, the controversy surrounding Elizabeth Warren’s Native American ancestry, and life in general. “Not the whole thing, obviously, that would be crazy, but like one or two seats would be nice,” specified Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, who had begun to sweat profusely. She then excused herself to go call her mom.

To unwind from the strain of the upcoming elections, Senator Cory Booker, who had wrapped himself in a Snuggie and began eating from a plate of vegan cheese puffs, recommended they all take “Queer Eye break.” 

At press time, Democratic senators decided to practice self-care in the form of getting mani-pedis, wearing “Nevertheless, She Persisted” eye masks, and and re-watching old Obama videos, despite it being eight o’clock in the morning the week of Election Day.


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