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Iranian Supreme Leader’s Personal Assistant Forgets to Rig Elections

Shaheen's family was surprised to see how light his skin was in the photo he had sent.

Documents recently leaked from the upper echelons of the Iranian government reveal that the personal assistant to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei had forgotten to rig the presidential elections that took place in June this year, enabling the relative political moderate Hassan Rouhani to win without even the need for a runoff.

According to these documents, the unfortunate assistant, whose name has been recorded only as Shaheen, found himself having to explain to a furious Supreme Leader that he had gotten too absorbed in a game of field hockey between Gambia and Bhutan, and completely forgot to tell the pro-government Basij militiamen to stuff ballot boxes, beat up and arrest dissidents, and prevent Rouhani supporters from voting, until it was too late.

Transcripts record Shaheen telling Ayatollah Khamenei: “Look boss… A few guys from work and I just decided to crack open a few beers – I mean, uh, cartons of orange juice, and watch the big game. It got so intense, Gambia came back from behind and scored the only goal of the game in the last five minutes… I just couldn’t take my eyes off the action!” Shaheen also claimed that he had done everything else the Supreme Leader had asked of him, such as placing many leading opposition figures under house arrest and ensuring that all remaining reformist candidates had been barred from running, and that he therefore deserved a second chance.

While the documents did not provide details of the Supreme Leader’s response, this correspondent has attempted to track down Shaheen for further information on the story. However, his whereabouts remains unknown, and his family claims to have received an abrupt typed letter from him in which he said he had taken a long vacation to Bhutan to pursue his passion for field hockey. 

© 2013