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Turducken Farm Shut Down in Wake of Controversy

The Plano farm has “allegedly” been cruelly experimenting with turkey products.

Plano, Texas- With Thanksgiving approaching, animal rights activists have gained new wind in attempting to curb animal cruelty, going so far as to infiltrate factory farms to obtain footage. Their reported findings are, allegedly, beyond belief.

 “It was just beyond belief,” began trembling lead activist Kyna Shepherd, “Turducken farms are FUCKED UP. You, like, would think that they make the turduckens after they kill the birds. No. No. No they don’t. Aw, I just feel dirty.”

 Shepherd’s video, taken at Plano East Free-Range Turducken Ranch in Texas, shows farmers stuffing a live duck into a live chicken, then the live chicken into a live turkey. Amid feathers and feces, the monstrous Frankensteinian conglomerations of pain are then allowed to struggle in their own agony at the scenic free-range ranch until harvest season.

 “It’s actually the least harmful way to produce turducken” said rancher representative Eldon Roth. “Initially, we would stuff the chicken into the turkey first. Then we had to stuff the duck into the chicken-turkey, and occasionally stuff that into one of our quality control workers for taste-testing. That kind of blood just don’t wash out."

 Not all employees painted such loving pictures of the farm, however.

 “This place is a madhouse” said farm-hand Rick Blair. “I swear to God the animals are plotting something too. I saw all the pigs gathered together last night and it sounded like they were singing socialist anthems.”

 “The prize boar Snowball is not to be trusted” added Blair, with a squint in his eye reminiscent of an old sailor who felt in his bones an upcoming storm.

 There have also been reports of animal cruelty on a neighboring farm, Castle Rock Ranch, conducted, bizarrely enough, by the animals themselves.

 “Just last week my favorite yearling, Piggy, was found dead, crushed by a felled boulder,” said ranch owner Ralph Conch. “The farm reported it an accident, but I think those other animals pushed the rock on purpose.”

 With such strange stories coming out of Texas, the debate over the best Thanksgiving spread, tinged with post-war sentiments of the corruptibility of man, surfaces yet again.

© 2013