NEW YORK — After winning bipartisan support for his surprise missile strikes in Syria, President Donald Trump decided to test his newfound political capital by positioning two naval warships across from Rosie O'Donnell's house in Rockland County, NY.

 

"For too long, we have put up with Rosie O'Donnell's big dummy mouth," said Trump, flanked by the Joint Chiefs of Staff at a press conference. "As I said in the first presidential debate, I have said very tough things to Rosie O'Donnell. And now, unlike President Obama—who was weak, by the way—I'm going to follow through on those tough things."

 

After O'Donnell tweeted, "Donald Trump is a spineless dumbass," Trump decided the best way to contain the threat of O'Donnell would be to dispatch two naval warships from Norfolk, Virginia, without any warning. "It was a total surprise. Total surprise!" said Trump.

 

"I've been feuding with Donald for almost a decade, but I never expected to be the subject of military conflict," said O'Donnell, cowering in the basement of her home, at which 100 Tomahawk missiles were pointed. "Oh dear God above please don't let me die!"

 

"I've drawn a red line in the sand, and it's a beautiful—really, a tremendous—red line. Rosie crossed it. And she will pay," said Trump before leaving the podium and returning to his Palm Beach resort, Mar-a-Lago. 

 

No word yet from the White House on whether talentless loser Alec Baldwin will face the full force of the mighty US military next week.