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Senate Passes H.R. 2529, Confirming There Are, Indeed, No Laws When One Is Drinking Claws

Some Republican Senators with their paws on the Claws with no laws!

WASHINGTON, DC—Late Saturday evening, following months of partisan gridlock, the Senate set aside its differences to unite for the common good. In passing H.R. 2529, the legislature has determined that there are, indeed, no laws that apply to a person who is currently in the process of drinking Claws.

The trending hashtag on Twitter, #whiteclawsnolaws, has been tweeted by figures across the political spectrum. Former Vice President Joe Biden does not know what Twitter is, but he did yell, “Number sign white claws no laws!” at a pigeon early last week.

Despite substantial opposition lobbying efforts by Truly Seltzer, the vote was unanimous. Some Senators did not even need to read the bill. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) saw the first word on the page was “white” and reflexively voted in support. The bill gained traction because several Senators ushered into office during the Tea Party movement feared they were under threat of being primaried by the White Claw Party, a movement pushing for even smaller government—no laws to be exact.

Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA) was unavailable for comment. However, his office gave the following statement: “Senator Kaine was very drunk when he took that vote, but he was also very skinny. Senator Kaine drinks Claws because he identifies both as a drunk b**** and as a skinny b****.” 

It has recently come to light that the President was drinking a Ruby Grapefruit White Claw at the time of his now-infamous call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Consequently, the senate has determined that Trump cannot be impeached.


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