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Porcellian Club Decides To Keep Using Old $20 Bills

Porcellian Club members threw some spare $20 bills out the club's windows in a show of support for the seventh President.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent announcement that Harriet Tubman would replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill, the Porcellian Club's graduate board released a tersely-worded statement instructing its members to continue using the former currency.

“Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States. Was Harriet Tubman ever President of the United States? No, she was not,” read the statement.

“We at the Porcellian are good friends with many descendants of America’s greatest white presidents. Some of us are Roosevelts. Some of us can trace our ancestry back to the great Millard Fillmore. Imagine how it would feel if our great-great-grandfather disappeared from the front of millions of green pieces of paper that people accidentally put in laundry machines,” the statement continued.

“It would hurt our feelings,” read the statement. “It would hurt them a lot.”

The memo went on to acknowledge that the decision is unlikely to change most members' actions, as PC club members are required to abstain from paper currency and to make all purchases via a telephone request to their butlers. “However, you should also tell your serving-men, from Horace to Billingsley, to continue to use the Jackson bills,” the letter added.

Critics of the note have pointed out that Andrew Jackson will remain on the back of the $20 bill. They have also claimed that, whereas Harriet Tubman rescued dozens of slaves, served as a Union Army spy, and advocated for women’s suffrage, Andrew Jackson’s policies resulted in the forced removal and deaths of thousands of Native Americans.

“These are just details! Details!” stated the letter. “Sure, today some people might call Jackson’s policies ‘ethnic cleansing,’ but they could also be called ‘gumption.’”

“Suffice it to say," read the statement in conclusion, "Harriet Tubman would never have been in the PC.”

© 2016