WASHINGTON -- After nearly two years of practice leading up to the final dress rehearsal, America performed well below expectations in its November 8th performance of Election Day.
President Barack Obama issued a statement in front of the country Wednesday morning in which he expressed his profound disappointment in the results and made suggestions to prepare for the real showing.
“America, you put in a good effort on Tuesday, it just wasn’t quite where we’d like it to be,” said a stern but encouraging Obama. "You did well with the popular vote in the practice run, but for the real election we just need to make sure we get the electoral votes working where they should be.”
Reports indicate that turnout was especially low for the practice showing, with fewer than 57 percent of eligible participants even showing up to the event at all.
The failure came as a surprise to most Americans, who expected the nation to be more than prepared and did not realize how much more rehearsal was needed. It has become apparent that they need to put some extra time into several scenes of the production, including the divisive opening number, “Racial Equality” and the climax, “Electing a Qualified Candidate.”
Obama remained optimistic, assuring the country that “if we put in the work, I’m sure we’ll be ready for the actual election come December."
According to renowned theater critic Nate Silver, America was projected to have only a 30 percent chance of performing as badly as it did. "But hey," said Silver. "That's showbiz."
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