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Kansas Basketball Superfan Reacts Rationally To Team’s Loss

The Jayhawks look despondent after their loss to Villanova, but fans need not share in the team's sadness.
LAWRENCE, KS -- In the aftermath of the shocking upset against second-ranked Villanova, reports have emerged suggesting that Kansas basketball über-fan Hector Elliott has reacted simply with calm and collected rationality. Despite the disappointment of the loss, Elliott has somehow yet to break a single piece of china, nor has he torn his modestly sized flat screen television from the wall and thrown it into his neighbor’s garden.
As a senior at the University of Kansas, Elliott has been an avid follower of the team since his freshman year, with many students across campus recognizing him solely for his wild and all-consuming passion for Jayhawks basketball. However, in spite of his maniacal fandom, Elliott inexplicably did not get a large tattoo declaring Kansas to be the “2016 National Champions” inked across his back and shoulders, commenting, “I love basketball, but I’m not completely braindead. I totally understand the unpredictability of March Madness that makes it such a popular sporting event, and so easy for the NCAA to profit from the participation of unpaid student athletes. It’s a regular occurrence for a top-seeded team to fail to live up to its billing.”
When questioned as to why he did not choose to set his couch on fire following the defeat, Elliott remarked, “That thing is faux-leather and cost me and my roommates a ton of money; why would I willingly choose to burn the comfortable piece of furniture I use to watch Days of Our Lives on Sunday afternoons?”
After further investigations, it has been established that Elliott also did not send death threats to star Forward Perry Ellis following his underwhelming performance in the loss to Villanova. Elliott defended his actions, claiming, “Of course we should expect some regression to the mean here - it’s a fallacy to suggest he’ll continue to be a hot hand for the team throughout the whole tournament. Besides, a basketball game is no reason to threaten the life of my fellow student; that would be absurd!”
At press time, Elliott announced that "if the [Kansas City] Royals don't win the World Series again this year, [he'll] probably flip a shit."

Image Source: USA Today Sports
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