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Federal Bureau of Dads: Who Touched the Thermostat?

WASHINGTON D.C. - Pending further review, the Federal Bureau of Dads has yet to establish "who touched the fucking thermostat? Diane? Diane!"

Thermostat touching, a perennial issue for the Bureau, captured the attention of the nation this week, as concerns of "It's 71 fucking degrees in here!" and  "Who do you think is paying for this shit?" continued to mount.

The Bureau, in a rare official statement, emphasized the need for "Jesus Christ, Diane! Put on a sweater if you're cold!"  

The Bureau went on to add that this is "the last fucking thing [it] fucking needs right now, since [Mike] is literally riding my ass at work non-stop."

While the Bureau continues to shout from the downstairs den, in an attempt to limit thermostat-touching, it asks citizens to remember "Well, maybe you should have married David, Diane!  Jesus!"

The Bureau of Dads plans to expand the scope of the investigation, as reports of "Chris! Chris!  Will you come down here?  And turn off that fucking music!" come in.  In addition, the Bureau stressed: "Don't look at the phone!  You look at me when I'm talking to you!"

At press time, the Bureau of Dads was taking "the fucking Bureau of Dogs" for a walk, because "Nobody else is going to walk the fucking dog, are they, Diane?"  

© 2014