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Even I Think This is Excessive

Following a series of news reports surrounding President Donald Trump’s unfounded accusation that President Barack Obama was wire tapping the then Republican presidential nominee, the ghost of Richard Nixon published the following statement:


When he first started referring to his supporters as “the silent majority,” I was flattered. After that whole “birther” conspiracy and his unrelenting hatred of the media, I really saw a lot of myself in Donny. He had a certain amount of moxy and baseless paranoia that I could get behind. But given what’s happened over the last few days, I needed to deliver a message to the President: chill.

Wire tapping your opponent? That much I can get behind. But publicly accusing a former president of wire tapping you? That takes a lot of nerve.

I completely understand that you might want to record all of your thoughts and conversations, but that’s what secret tape recorders are for!  I don’t really get this whole Twitter thing, since I died 22 years ago, but if you are going to talk about your obsessive plots for the downfall of your enemies, keep it private. That way, if Congress asks you to hand your recordings over, anything incriminating can conveniently “go missing.” Works every time.

And now the FBI director is asking the Justice Department to tell everyone you lied? You really backed yourself into a corner on this one, buddy. If you’re going to put the entire democratic system in jeopardy, at least get the FBI director on your side. I still feel bad about Pat. That poor sonofabitch went down hard. 

The key to a good lie is to keep it simple. Don’t try so hard with your fancy conspiracy theories. Because the Jews—I mean “the media”—they always figure that stuff out eventually. Just keep it short and simple. Try starting with “I am not a crook.” 

© 2017