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Clarence Thomas Admits That He is Groot

Thomas is known for being one of the more conservative members of the Supreme Court, as well as for his ability to rapidly grow his limbs into a complex network of interlocking branches and leaves.

WASHINGTON, D.C - In a rare break from his reticence on the bench, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, known for his reserved persona, spoke up last week during the King v. Burwell lawsuit, saying, “I am Groot.”

Appointed by President George H. W. Bush, Thomas is the second African American and first intelligent flora to serve on the Supreme Court. The nine Supreme Court Justices, or “Guardians of the Gavelcy”, as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg likes to call them, all have their own approaches toward court hearings, and Thomas tends to either silently observe the argument or engage in photosynthesis during briefings by amicus curiae.

This is the first time Thomas has become vocal at the Court since January 14th, 2013, when he made a joke about how a Yale law degree is equivalent to “I am Groot,” which received a chuckle from sentient raccoon Antonin Scalia. “Clarence Thomas has by far the raunchiest sense of humor of any humanoid conifer I have ever known,” said Justice Samuel A. Alito. “I am surprised the Court lets him get away with what he says during the judicial session.”

The longest streak Thomas has gone without speaking during an oral argument was almost seven years, before finally chiming in during Boyer v. Louisiana in 2013 with a very reflective “I am Groot.”

Some have speculated about the reason for Thomas’s unusual outburst, many interpreting it as an anti-Obamacare sentiment. “No, we don’t. No one has any idea what the fuck he means by ‘I am Groot.’ I do not understand how he managed to get past the Senate confirmation hearing, or his swearing-in ceremony! He only says three words at one time, and yet conservatives are trying to dismantle the Affordable Care Act over four ambiguous words? Are you all insane?!” said Justice Elena Kagan, known for her staunch anti-Entmigration policy.

At press time, Thomas could be found with his feet firmly planted in a flowerpot, silently dancing to I Want You Back by the Jackson 5.

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