Area Dad Filbert Jennings lost his favourite shoehorn in a tragic accident just this Monday. About the beloved shoehorn, Mr. Jennings said, “Yes, it was a tragic accident, Vanessa, because it was an accident, and I am very sad about it.” The shoehorn was reportedly in his hand, and then allegedly, no longer in his hand. A self-identified witness to the scene A. Shiu Horne reportedly told Filbert, “I love you, but if you love me, you have to let me go.” However, Horne is now in witness protection and could not be reached for comment on the validity of this statement.

Herds of visually challenged people have been wandering about the Square, tripping over poorly placed bricks and bumping into Charlize, the woman (-0.25 prescription) who calls out your number at Tasty Burger. It's a shame these poor, glassesless souls are incapable of knowing that an Eyeglass Elysium with low, low prices is just a burger's throw away. Like God Himself, they cannot see the source of their own salvation. Yikes!