BOSTON, MASS.—Reports surfaced on Monday that Tara E. Weston, a local 26-year-old, is somehow still convinced that she is going to get really hot next year.

"I just have this sense that next year is going to be my year," said Weston—who said that last year, and the year before that, and the year before that—over boozy brunch with Megan L. Patterson, her token attractive friend. “I mean, I could totally be the Neville Longbottom of the muggle world, right?”

"Oh yeah. All the hottest people I know are 27," responded Patterson, omitting the fact that they were all already hot before they hit 27.

Although Weston's entirely unremarkable features have not changed since she was a kid, she has clung to the creeping suspicion that she will one become inexplicably hot ever since she read a BuzzFeed article about glow-ups. She likes to scroll through Facebook photos from 2008 and point out imperceptible ways that her face has evolved for the better.

Weston informed her brunch date that her goal is to be just hot enough that people think she's quirky instead of irresponsible when they learn that she does not have a driver's license. "I'll give you the name of my pedicure guy," offered Patterson, as though Weston's toes are the problem.

At press time, Weston was declaring that she will definitely clean the bathroom in her 28th year.

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