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queen elizabeth

BREAKING: Egyptian Museum Steals Queen Elizabeth’s Coffin From Westminster Abbey

A man looks at a modern wooden coffin with a picture of Queen Elizabeth next to it that is behind the glass of a museum exhibit about Egyptian mummies

CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

God Fumbles, Fails to Save Queen

God, depicted as in Michaelangelo's Creation of Adam, fails to save a soccer ball from crossing the line of a soccer goal. Queen Elizabeth is in a small red box in the upper right corner, captioned as saying "Oh no!"

LONDON, England—Both Liverpool and Manchester fans were disappointed yesterday when, after a grueling 70 years on the pitch, God failed to save the Queen.

“He’s just never failed us like this before!” cried one dismayed Englishman. “I’m pretty sure he was the one who told us to keep calm and carry on way back when things looked bleak in the first half.”

Earz Wot Reillaigh Hahpend Wiv vuh Queen. ISS THA TRUEF!

A photo of Big Ben in London

*Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)*

LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen. 

Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky muppet.

Wei ‘eard frum sohm low-kulls abaioueght ther foghts ohn Elizabeth’s deaf n’ all:

BREAKING: Queen Elizabeth II's Crown Juuls Stolen

Crown Juuls

LONDON, ENGLAND—In a scandal that is paralyzing Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II's most valuable artifacts, the Crown Juuls, were stolen early Friday morning from their glass case in the Tower of London.

Valued at three billion dollars—or approximately 750 million Cool Cucumber Pods—this crime represents a serious loss for the British people. The security guard watching over the room blamed “lightheadedness,” noting that the Juuls were gone in a puff of smoke.