and entering

Why Harvard

The Internet contains no headshots of Jessica's husband.

The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

We offer complete financial aid, the finest faculty in the world, the highest number of Division I sports teams in the country, and an unparalleled ability to name drop your alma mater as a means of spiting your high school enemies. Here at Harvard, we like to call this the “Jessica Walters effect.”

At Harvard, you can feel the thrill of getting up on stage, the rush of finally working out a challenging math problem, and the warmth of a community that is unique in the world of higher education. But none of this will match the satisfaction of reminding those who have wronged you that you will be attending the most prestigious university in the world. 

What I’m trying to tell you is that revenge is a dish best served Crimson. At the end of your college career, would you rather be able to tell yourself that you chose the school that offered you the best opportunity for personal growth, or to tell Jessica Walters that you’re not only an alumnus of Harvard University, but a dean? 

They’re telling me to wrap it up, so let me just say a few more things before I go. College is a time to grow. A time to question who you are, and mold who you will become. I chose to do this questioning and molding at Harvard. Jessica Walters’ husband did it at Tufts or something.

My Harvard experience built me into the man I am today. Whether you choose to spend your time at Harvard pursuing the arts, serving your community, or just sitting in your room thinking about Jessica, you won’t regret it.

© 2016