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Why Doesn't Anyone Ask How My Day Is Going?

You know, I have a theory about last night's Game of Thrones, too!

The weather is always notable. Casual Wednesdays? Nauseating. And people? People are expendable! Guess how many people have had the Corporate Consistency Agent position in the last month? Four. Oh wait, there’s another, because fucking Peter probably forgot to file his damn TPS reports again.

Always, like the tides, people are coming and going. But what common office fixture with one hot and one cold knob has been remaining stagnant here amidst the corporate ebb and flow for 16 long years? This water cooler right here, THAT’S who! So listen up, bitch. I am here when the office opens and here when it closes. I carry my own water weight and then some. I AM THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THIS HELLHOLE CALLED INITECH! So, if you could just ask how my day is going, that would be greeat.

“Raining three times in five days? Talk about insanity.” “Another burnt turkey and I’ll slit her damn throat…Mother-in-laws, am I right?” You wouldn’t believe the kind of shit that I have to hear on the daily.

Seriously, you actually wouldn’t believe how Eileen, who Chuck H. thinks is fooling no one with that hair dye, is probably going to sleep with Terry just to get the Senior Directive Functionality Coordinator position. Like, come on, Eileen, it’s Bumblefuck Chuck we’re talking about here. Have standards, woman.

Jim Anji has been gossiping about this with Regina all week: “Yeah, and she brought Terry two cups of expresso [sic] yesterday too. Let’s just say they like each other a-Latté. Guffahaha.” Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Anji, the comedian! He’s a regular Robin Williams! People honestly just spew the most useless crap and I can’t get a simple “What’s up” or “Salutation, my main hydration station!” Seriously, what the hell?

I would be fine with this neglect if I was a slacker like Michael Bolton, that stupid ass of a Human Applications Consultant. But the thing is: I am by far the hardest working person, place, or thing at this corporate gulag. I contribute more to corporate office synergy than any meticulously crafted PowerPoint or holiday party ever could. So, on your next coffee trip to Tchotchke's, when you walk by me to avoid having to walk by Janice from Accounting, just stop and ‘dap a coola up.’ It wouldn’t hurt you as much as years of neglect have been hurting me. I’m a water cooler, not a robot! I feel things like loneliness and sorrow and Oh God, here come the water works!

Deep breath! Okay. Alright, I’m much cooler now.

Man, I swear, one of these days, I’m just gonna crack. Years of overheard gossip will flood out of my well-worn knobs in a scathing tell-all. Pregnancies, cheating, the infamous butt-photocopier-bandit (Regina, you sicko), everything. All it takes is one watershed moment, then boy, oh, boy will all you fuckers be hung out to dry.

So spare us that melodrama and just say “hi” before doing your corporate pleasantry song and dance. It’s not hard! But now, if you’ll excuse me, Kate T. just stopped by and I have to catch up on her weekend. Rumor has it that Terry threw a barbecue for the #HumanResourcesSquad and didn’t invite her! Scandal!

© 2017