CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing past examples including the DNC database and Donald Trump’s election victory, local high school freshman Jacob Carter explained to his parents that the browsing history on the family computer was the result of a Russian hack.

“Mom, Dad, trust me, I’m as astounded as you are,” Carter reportedly told his parents last night. “These sites are offensive and absurd, so typical of the Russians. They’re rigging the system against hard-working students like me. They're trying to subvert us from within!”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Donald J. Trump was elected president of the Undergraduate Council on Friday in a stunning culmination of an explosive, populist and polarizing campaign that took relentless aim at the institutions and long-held ideals of Harvard College student government.

The surprise outcome, defying late polls that showed rival Hillary Clinton with a modest but persistent edge, threatened convulsions throughout campus and indeed the nation, where skeptics had watched with alarm as Mr. Trump’s unvarnished overtures to disillusioned students took hold.