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Students Excited For Yet Another Disappointing Friday Night

Christy Porter '18 plans her Friday night- wait, no, she's just planning her homework for the upcoming week.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- As the weekend approaches, eager students get ready to settle back into another semester of disappointing and uneventful Friday nights on campus. Tonight, undergraduates across campus will gather to engage in various social events. Whether students prefer to silently drink vodka in dorm rooms, or attend poorly executed themed parties, Harvard truly has it all.

When asked what her evening plans were, Christy Porter, a sophomore in Winthrop House, mentioned a party at the Owl. “I'm really excited to watch people play pong for a few hours,” she said. “I’ll probably spend most of the time in the corner, sipping flat beer and frantically scanning the crowd for distant acquaintances to talk to. A great way to start my weekend!” Another source confirmed that the party would “probably run out of alcohol around 9 pm.”

Luckily, there are other options off-campus. “When I give up trying to find things to do on campus, I might try some MIT frats,” said Porter. “Or I might even just give up and go to bed!”

Adam Cooper, a freshman in Weld, was eager to be excluded from frat parties around campus. “Tonight, I can’t wait for the bouncer at Alpha Delta Pi to tell me that I can’t go into the party, just because of my sex. Cool!” Experts suggest that, after wandering around aimlessly with some friends for twenty minutes, Cooper will end up at Felipe’s, where he will desperately message Tinder matches as he sits alone eating a super burrito. “It’s gonna be a great night, I can tell!” Cooper grinned.

When asked if he would go out Saturday night, Cooper responded, “Haha, haha, no. Saturday night is for homework!”

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